How it happened......

How can I put into words, emotions that I can't even describe to myself? I've been wondering how I was gonna write this so I guess I'll just start at the beginning.


*****Warning******

I'm going to write it as it happened and I might talk about 'gross' stuff. If you don't want to read it, then go find another blog to read.




A week ago tonight, I was getting ready to go to my nieces basketball game. I got off work, came home to change and go meet my mom to ride with her to the game. Before I left I thought I'd go to the bathroom and when I did, I was spotting. I immediately knew. My gut just knew. Anyway, Brandon was still out hunting so I got in my car and drove to my mom's house. As soon as I walked in the door I was crying. I told her what was going on and she cried with me. I called the doctors office but they were already gone and I couldn't get the after hours. It wasn't really bad, very light, only brown with a tiny bit of pink, so I decided to go home and rest. I called a couple of friends that are nurses and they said the same thing. Rest, put my feet up, call the doc first thing in the am. So I did as they said. And about 9:00 the spotting stopped completely. I was feeling a little bit better. I told Brandon to go on to work because we already had an appointment on Thursday and I just KNEW since I wasn't spotting anymore that the doc was just gonna tell us to come in on Thursday. So I went to bed and dreamed that I went to the doctor and everything was ok with the baby. I woke up Tuesday morning and went straight to the bathroom. Nothing was there. As soon as I got out of the shower, I checked again. Nothing. Dried and fixed my hair, checked...nothing. So I was really starting to feel good about it. So I was getting dressed and decided to use the bathroom one more time before leaving for work....blood everywhere. No spotting this time. This was it.....this was the fear I'd been fearing, coming true. I called my mom and went straight over there. I called the doctors office as soon as they opened and they told me to come in. Mom went with me because I couldn't get B on the phone. Remember, I told him to go on to work and he had no clue what was going on. So Mom and I get to the doctors office and they call us back for a ultrasound. Of course she didn't tell me anything, but I knew. I couldn't find the heartbeat. I remember her telling me just a few short weeks earlier 'see that little flicker? That's the heartbeat' and I just kept looking for the flicker. Thinking please God, let me see a flicker. But as hard as I looked, nothing was there. After she was done, she sent me back out to wait on the doctor. They didn't make me wait long, thank goodness. As soon as Dr. S came into the room, he just hugged me. He hugged me for what seemed like an hour. He just held me and let me cry. Then he hugged mom and let her cry. He told me he was sorry. He said the baby was only measuring 8.5 weeks, so it had been gone for a couple weeks now. He said a whole lot of other stuff but I honestly don't remember. He scheduled me for a D&C but told me I could pass it naturally if that is what I wanted. I told him I would see what happened between then and Monday. (date for D&C) I really didn't know what I wanted to do. I couldn't think about it right then. I didn't want to be having to think about it at all. When we got back to mom's house I told her I wanted to go home and take a nap. I just needed to be by myself. I don't really remember much about the rest of that day. I finally talked to B. And I remember when he walked in the door. We talked about what to do and I still didn't know what to do. Wednesday morning I woke up and was bleeding like a normal period. By the late afternoon/early evening it was getting heavier and hurting more. By 10:00 I was in a ton of pain and passing some big clots so I knew that the natural process had begun. I was up ALL night long. The cramps felt like labor pains. (not that I've had them, but from what I heard they feel like and the doc said it's the exact same pain) finally around 5:45 the next morning I was able to sleep some. I woke up around 9 and started throwing up. I'm still not too sure why. Anyway, around 3:30 the bad cramps started again and I started throwing up again. By 5:30 we were on our way to the ER. Mom and Daddy met us there. They did an ultrasound and said that it was all almost gone. There was still some 'stuff' left, but it was right at my cervix and I should pass it within the next 24 hours. They gave me some meds and sent me home. I was able to sleep Thursday night. By Friday morning, I was still hurting but feeling much better than the day before. I decided to go into work. I'm glad I did. It really took my mind off of things. Even the few times I had to tell someone who didn't know, it still was better than sitting at home by myself. I hurt some on Friday and passed the last little bit. On Saturday morning, my emotions were a complete mess. All day Saturday and throughout Sunday I cried and cried.
Still today (or tonight mostly) the smallest, silliest, stuff will set me off. I went back to the doctor today. They couldn't see anything left of the ultrasound. They checked my hormone levels and want me to come back in a week to check them again. We can't start to try again until my levels are back to 0.



So that has been my last week. It's been long, it's been hard, it's been sad. I know there are TONS of women who miscarry. I'm sure there are a lot of miscarries daily. I don't pretend to be the only lady that has ever lost a baby and been upset. My heart goes out to all those other Ladies...past, present, future. It's not fun, it's not easy. I know there is a reason this has happened to me. I know God has a plan for all this. I KNOW He is in control...and I trust Him. But I still wonder why. I wonder what I did wrong...what I could have done different. I've told him I'm mad. I've told Him I'm sad. I ask....Did I not pray enough? Am I being punished? Why would you give me a baby just to take it away? Why would you let me dream everything was ok on Monday night just to have my world fall apart on Tuesday morning. I've told Him that I know this happened for a reason and I know He doesn't make mistakes, but could He just give me a clue. Just in case I did something wrong, I don't want to do it again if we get pregnant again. I guess I'll never know why.......but I do know that my baby is now in heaven with my Heavenly Father, and I WILL get to hold him/her one day......just not now.


I know this entire post has been back and forth and jumbled and probably doesn't make sense....but that is my mind right now. And I don't have the energy to go back and rewrite it to be better.
Thank you guys for praying for us. We really need it right now.

Thankful Thursday.......on Monday! :)

Sorry I'm late with this one. A Lot going on this time if year and within my head. lol

How far along? 11 weeks

Baby size? According to babycenter.com the size of a fig. :)

Weight gain? None yet. Thank goodness

Maternity clothes? No, not yet.

Sleep? Having a hard time getting comfortable while trying to go to sleep. Sleep ok but wake up tired.

Foods I'm loving? Pickles and chocolate milk. Not together. Lol

Foods I'm hating? Nothing really

Best moment this week? Not feeling sick

Movement? Not yet, but I can't wait.

Symptoms? Mood swings but not nauseated any more.

Emotions? Excited, VERY nervous, excited!!

Gender? Only God knows right now.

What I'm looking forward to? Hearing the heartbeat at my appointment Thursday. :)



Things have been going good. I've been very nervous lately and I'm not sure why. I'm anxious to go to the doctor Thursday because I want to make sure everything is still ok with the baby. It's really hard not to worry when you aren't having any symptoms. ( well besides the mood swings). I'll feel a lot better when I get out of my first trimester and when I can feel the baby move. I know it sounds crazy and maybe I am, but I've wanted this for so long that I'm afraid any minute I'll wake up and it'll be over....and not in a good way. I know I'm missing out on things by being so nervous but I know I'll feel a lot better after Thursday.

On a side note, Christmas is just around the corner and I'm almost done with all my shopping!! Just 3 more gift certificates left!! Yay!!! I can't believe that next year we will have a little one around. We get to be Santa!!!!! :)

Hope you guys have a GREAT Monday!!

Thankful Thursday

How far along? 10 weeks

Baby size? According to what to expect while your expecting app, about the size of a prune....but not nearly as shriveled! Ha!

Weight gain? No

Maternity clothes? No, not yet.

Sleep? Been waking up 2-3 times a night to potty. Not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings.

Foods I'm loving? Nothing in particular

Foods I'm hating? Nothing in particular

Best moment this week? Well I just found out that my little bean is now officially a fetus!!! YAY!

Movement? Just gas pains....hahaha

Symptoms? Get nauseated but not throwing up. (knock on wood) BAD mood swings.

Emotions? All over the place!! Ha!

Gender? Only God knows

What I'm looking forward to? My next appointment on Dec. 15


Sorry that I've been absent the last few weeks. I'm still here and baby bean is doing good. :)

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Thankful Thursday

How far along? 7 weeks

Baby size? According to babycenter.com the size of a blueberry

Weight gain? No

Maternity clothes? No

Sleep? It's ok

Foods I'm loving? Nothing in particular

Foods I'm hating? Nothing in particular

Best moment this week? Going to the Doctor and seeing the heartbeat!

Movement? No

Symptoms? No

Emotions? Excited!!!

Gender? Only God knows

What I'm looking forward to? Going to my next appointment

Here is a pic of our sweet little bean!!!

Thankful Thursday 6 Weeks

How far along? 6 weeks

Baby size? According to What to Expect When Your Expecting the size of a sweet pea!!

Weight gain? Nope

Maternity clothes? No

Sleep? I'm sleeping fine, but waking up not feeling rested.

Foods I'm loving? Could just be in my head, but I want my Moma's chicken salad so bad. She is suppose to be making me some. :)

Foods I'm hating? Nothing in particular

Best moment this week? Having people find out I'm pregnant!!

Movement? No

Symptoms? None really

Emotions? Excited, amazed, worried, EXCITED!!!

Gender? Only God knows :)

What I'm looking forward to: going to the doctor in Nov 10!!!! :)

Halloween

Yesterday was Halloween and it was the first year in a long time that I haven't dressed up. Dawn and I went to the monster walk downtown to hand out candy to kids. We had a lot of fun! After the Monster walk I went to Michele's house to give out candy. Brandon came over and dressed like a scary clown and sat on the porch. The kids had to walk up by him to get the candy. It was so funny to watch them. When some of the bigger kids that are Cat's age came by, Brandon would jump up and scare them. Next year we will have our own little one to take trick or treating!! :)

On a side note, Christmas village is this Friday. I can not wait!!!!

Dream come true

OMG, I can't believe I'm posting this.....I'M GONNA HAVE A BABY!!!
I am so excited! It is still really early and we just found out over the weekend, so I'm really nervous. I go to the doctor on November 10. From my last period it looks like I'm about 4 weeks 6 days today. And I'm due at the end of June. Please keep me and the little one in your prayers.
Longer post later.......
Yay!!!